Ashes in the Snow
by The biggest ikarishipping Fan
Summary: I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you about the contest I won today, I wanted to tell you why I got upset at Ash today, and to explain all these complicated feelings inside of me. But I cannot. After all, you are dead. Ikarishipping!


**Ashes in the Snow**

.x.

I wanted to tell you so many things.

I wanted to tell you about the contest I won against Zoey the other day; I wanted to describe the excitement and happiness that I had briefly felt, the accomplishment I had felt when beating her. I wanted to share the feelings with you.

I wanted to explain the reasons why I had gotten upset over Ash's comment today at lunch. I wanted to tell him it was because he didn't understand, that he didn't get you like I did. To Ash you were just a rival, but to me… you were so much more. Much more.

I still want to tell you about all the complicated feelings that churn inside of me everyday, every hour, every minute, every second of the day. I almost need to tell you about the agony that is continuing to build up inside of me everyday, and the hurt and the anger I feel. It's such a horrible, sickening feeling. It's the worst feeling in the world.

And I wish I would have told you so many things, but I did not… But the things I did tell you, like how beautiful your smile was no matter how rare I got to see it, I do not regret telling you.

While I regret not telling you all the things I wanted to tell you, the things I should have told you, I do not regret telling you how I truly felt about you. How I still feel about you. I don't regret telling you that…

I love you.

And if I could, I would whisper those words in your ears at this very moment, over and over and over again.

But I cannot.

After all, you are dead.

* * *

**December 18th, 2010**

"H-hey, Paul…" I whispered, my voice shaking. I placed the daffodils on his only days old grave with his name scripted neatly on it. I inhaled a cold breath of air, forcing back tears.

No. I will not cry, I tell myself sternly. Crying is weak. Paul told me that. Besides, Paul wouldn't want to see me cry…

"I just came back to say hi," I told him, kneeling to the ground. I pulled on my ash gray skirt, shivering as my skin touched the cold, snow-covered ground.

"I won my contest with Zoey today," I informed him, giving a small smile. "I'm surprised; a-as you probably know I haven't gotten much training in since… since your departure. I've been too upset to properly train my pokémon, so the win came as a surprise.

I inhaled softly, and the cold winter air made my nose go cold. I continued, "I also talked to Ash today… H-he can tell I'm really upset, and he thinks he understands my pain, but I know he doesn't… He says I will find another guy and be h-happy again, but I don't think I will. He says you would want me to move on, but I'm not so sure… Do you want me to move on?"

Another cold breeze which passed through the cemetery was my only answer. I shivered, letting out a small puff of air.

"I don't want to move on…" I whispered. "You're the only one I love… you're the only one I ever loved and the only one I ever will…" A tear slid down my cheek, and for a quarter of a second I feared I would break. I quickly wiped the tear away, inhaling the cold wind sharply.

"Y-you never said you loved me too," I continued on shakily. "But you never were an emotional guy who openly expressed your feelings." I smiled sadly at this. "You never said you loved me, but I could tell by the way you looked at me that you loved me too…"

I gasped loudly, sudden, uncontrollable tears running down my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around myself, as if hugging myself. The tears were impossible to control or stop, so I just allowed myself to cry.

And cry.

And cry.

And cry…

"Why did you have to go?" I wailed loudly, my shoulders trembling out of my control, my tears staining my cheeks like scars. "I-it's not fair! You shouldn't have gone! You shouldn't have died! It's not fair! It's not fair! It's – not – fair!"

I knew Paul would be ashamed of me at this very moment for my childish behavior if he just-so-happened to really be with me right now, in his ghostly state. I shivered at the thought, but a bit of warmth came to me at the thought of Paul being with me at this very moment, even if it was only as a ghost that could not be seen.

Feeling a little better now that I had released some of my emotions about Paul's death off my chest, my tears slowly came to a halt. I rubbed at my eyes, sniffing noisily.

"I love you Paul…" I whispered.

Silence.

"I always will…" I whispered, before getting up to leave. "I won't ever forget you Paul. You will never die out in my memories…"

* * *

**December 21st, 2010**

"I remember a few months ago I asked you what you liked about me," I started off saying when I came to visit Paul's grave once more. "I remember you saying you loved how bubbly I am even if it does annoy you sometime. I also remember you saying you liked how I always said 'no need to worry', and my sweet, compassionate nature. I remember you also saying that my confidence is what attracted you to me in the first place.

"I never got to tell you what I loved about you though," I continued, a small smile upturning my lips. "I know I acted annoyed whenever you were acting coldly towards one of my friends, or when you were being too harsh with your pokémon, but… your coldness, your brutality, your indifference to certain things… It made you different from all the rest, and no matter how much those traits of yours annoyed me, or even scared me sometimes, it was one of the things I liked about you… it makes you unique, different from all the rest.

"I also liked how protective you were of me, even if I also acted annoyed by that," I laughed, tears coming to my eyes. "Secretly, I loved how you were so overprotective of me. And I now see why you were always so protective around me; the world is a dangerous place… I now realize just how dangerous." The tears spilled over. "A-and I loved your smile… and your smirk… your grin… your frown, your grimace, I loved it all. I can still see them all in my mind. But I definitely loved your smile because it was s-so beautiful, and your smirk too… You were always smirking at me…"

I bit my thumbnail, but blinked the tears away, taking a deep breath. I ignored the soft flakes of snow falling down from the Heaven above, concentrating on Paul's grave as I continued my speech determinedly.

"I also loved how emotional, no, not emotional… how passionate you could be with your training as a trainer; how determined you were to do the thing your brother never did: defeat Brandon. I'm so glad you got to beat Brandon before you had to… l-leave.

"I just wish I would have told you all this before that accident, Paul," I told him in a whispery voice. "It bothers me so much… I want to tell you something Paul, and you're not there and I don't know if you can hear me… I don't even know if you hear me now…" I sniffed once, rubbing at my eyes again.

"I turn around and I expect to see you there; I do something dumb, and I expect to hear your scolding voice or your amused laugh; I turn over in bed, and I expect to feel you there Paul… But you're never there, and my heart just can't seem to register that…"

I sighed, listening to the sound of trees brushing against each other, and the quiet whishing of snow as it fell. I was hoping, that by some miracle, to hear Paul's voice. Of course, it was only my heart's silent wishing, so, of course, I didn't hear his voice.

I sighed again.

"Well, that is all I wanted to say… Goodbye, Paul. I love you."

* * *

**December 25, 2010**

"Merry Christmas Paul!" Is the first thing I said as I dropped down to my knees beside Paul's grave. I smiled at the grave like I always try to do, that familiar sad smile of mine plastered across my face.

"I got you a gift," I told him as I placed the roses that were as white as the snow beneath my knees. "But then again, I guess everyday I give you a gift." I laughed quietly at this, that sad smile still in place.

"My mom have noticed my change in attitude," I informed him. "She thinks I took your death bad… Well, of course I did. You were my husband, even if we were only married for what, a little over five months?" I laughed quietly at this, but a tear slid down my cheek. "She thinks I should stop thinking about you as much as I do… She says that it's unhealthy for me… Well, maybe it is unhealthy, but I have a tendency to do things that sometimes aren't good for me. Or at least, that's what everybody believes. Like when I started dating you."

I smiled at the memory, and closed my eyes.

"It was a surprise," I recalled. "When you asked me out. You asked it so bluntly, so out of the blue, that at first I thought it was a dream. But it wasn't… I was so shocked, but at the same time I wanted to cry with joy. To be honest, I never really thought you liked me in that way until you asked me out. I guess you were just good at hiding your feelings at times. Unlike me. You really were the opposite of me, Paul."

I sniffed, a warm tear trickling down my cheek as I indulged in the sweet, sweet memory.

"I still remember our first date too," I told him. "And every date after that too. I remember I was so frantic the hours before the date. I ended up buying an expensive dark blue dress, and then you were just wearing the same outfit you always did!" I laughed loudly at this, another tear escaping my ocean blue eyes. "And then you said I looked like a slut because of how short it was! Oooh, I got so mad!" I laughed even harder.

"You were always so honest and so blunt! That's another thing I liked about you. While yes, the truth hurts sometimes, I liked how you chose to state stuff as it is rather than sugarcoat it or just lie to make me feel better. That's why I always went to you first when I wanted an opinion, or when I wanted to know whether my appeal was good or not.

"Anyway, what was I talking about before? Oh, yes! The date!" Warm tears filled my eyes once more. "The date… it was in December, wasn't it? Or sometime in Winter, I believe… I remember that because it was snowing. I must have been crazy wearing a short dress in the middle of winter! I remember I thought you would be taking me to a fancy restaurant, like that one Seven Stars restaurants that was near your hometown, but instead we just went on a stroll through the park, looking at the stars and watching the snow fall… It was so romantic…"

The grave remained silent, the untrimmed grass swaying in the cold breeze. Snowflakes entangled themselves in my hair and I sighed. I pursed my lips together, listening to the silence.

The loneliness inside my heart took me by surprise, making every breath I took feel like an effort, my senses strangely acute. My heart throbbed painfully from the loneliness and it felt like it was crying, wailing loudly. My stomach also twisted in agony and I gasped, tears flooding down my cheeks.

Goosebumps stood up on my arms, and chills went down my spine. My body shook uncontrollably. Coldness surrounded me like a cloak. I gasped again as the coldness moved in closer to me, and as if it were arms, it embraced me.

I choked in shock and disbelief, tears running freely down my cheeks. I moved my arms until I was embracing myself, shaking uncontrollably.

Why did it feel as if I was being embraced? Air can't do that… can it? It's just air. Cold air.

It's just the wind, it's just your imagination, Dawn, I tell myself. It's not Paul. It's just your mind; it's playing tricks on you.

Even so, I stuttered out his name.

"P-Paul?"

Nobody answered.

Still shaking, I turned my head a few degrees to the left, and then again to the right.

No one was there. Nothing.

Nothing but the cold blanket of air that chilled me to the bone.

The wind whispered against the trees, and it almost sounded like voices, like when somebody's voice carries on the wind. A soft, whispery voice. A voice as light as a feather. The wind whispered loudly, but I couldn't understand the words they spoke, if any.

The wind… it almost sounded like Paul.

I glanced over my shoulders once more, but still nobody. I shook my head, muttering to myself.

I was going crazy.

Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I did need to stop going here so often. Maybe I should try to stop thinking about Paul.

Again, that same loneliness filled my heart.

"Goodbye, Paul…" I whispered. "I still love you. I'll talk to you another day, 'kay? Bye…"

As I left, I could have swore I heard the wind whisper again in Paul's voice. This time I could make out the words, and it sounded like it said "Don't go…".

But, of course, it was only the wind.

It wasn't Paul. No, it couldn't be Paul.

I'm just going insane, I decided sadly, walking past the black metal fence with the rosemaries and rose bushes growing near it.

Or I already am insane…

* * *

**January 10, 2011**

This time I was reluctant and skittish as I walked into the cemetery, my feet dragging as I walked up to Paul's grave. Like every time I come here, the graveyard has an eerie and lonely atmosphere to it.

I kneeled beside Paul's grave like always, and placed the bud of Pussy Willow next to his grave, but afterwards I cleared my throat, as if to make my presence known. A sheepish frown was painted across my face as I twirled a blue lock around my finger.

"Er, hey, Paul," I greeted. "It's me again. It's Dawn."

Silence.

"It's been a while, huh?"

More silence, and this time I shiver.

"I-I… I…" I didn't know where to begin. "I took a test a few days ago. And guess what?" A small smile begins to creep onto my lips, but I'm still playing with that one lock of hair. "I'm pregnant!"

Another silence. The silence is starting to unnerve me.

"I-I've been pregnant for at least a month now, according to the doctor I went to yesterday," I informed him.

A pause.

"Wow… A whole month… A whole month went by without me even thinking I was pregnant! I only took the test a few days ago, and I only took it because Zoey insisted I did. I guess she was right, after all. It wasn't just the stomach flu I had…" I chuckled sheepishly at this.

I swallowed once, then took a few uneasy breaths.

"Isn't this great though? I mean, you never told me before if you wanted kids, but I supposed you wanted to have kids sometime in your life, hm? Well, now you have one… If only you were here now…"

I sighed.

"I don't know how I feel about this," I confessed. "I mean, I was shocked when I found out because it was unexpected, but then once I got over the shock I was so happy! I mean I was pregnant! I was going to have a baby! But then… then I thought about you…" My voice dropped to a whisper. "And now… I don't know. I-it's just I… I don't want to raise this baby alone… I wish you were here with me, to help me raise this baby."

I sighed again because of the silence.

The silence was so cold, so lonely… so unwelcoming.

This last thought sent a shiver down my spine, and I pulled the red jacket I was wearing closer, trying to block out the cold. Of course, it didn't work.

"Paul?" I whimpered.

A cold breeze blew at my locks and made my eyes sting and water… Or maybe it was just the whole loneliness of this place getting to me? This place was just so frustrating, so cold. I came here to talk to Paul, so why wasn't Paul here?

Because he's dead. That's why he's not here, a voice inside my head whispered. You won't ever talk to him again. You can come here and talk to the empty air like it's him, but it's not. He's gone, and this time he can't come back; he's on a different journey this time, a journey to the dead. Paul is dead; this isn't something you can shake off with your usual 'No need to worry!', so you might as well stop pretending.

Pretending.

What am I pretending? I wondered briefly, frowning.

I'm pretending to be okay, I'm pretending that I don't feel alone in this world. I'm pretending I don't cry at night when my friends ask if I got enough sleep last night; I act as if I can move on whenever I want to, as if I'm already healed.

But no, I don't get enough sleep at night, and yes, ever since Paul have left me all alone in this world, this new kind of loneliness have entered me, making me feel emptier than an abandoned shell. And no, I'm not healed. And I don't know if my heart will ever heal…

This pain… it's like a thousand nails being dug into my heart, like a million knives carving into it, like having my skin peeled off alive. Agony that tore deep into my soul, leaving me to bleed until I was bare and broken, sensitive at the touch. That was one way to describe a little bit of the pain my heart and soul now felt.

Nothing to love, and only memories to cherish. I could only look forward to the time we would be together again which would be… who knows how long from now.

For her, suicide was not an option.

A wise old man once told me about how selfish suicide was. No, I was not going to give up my life and cause those who loved me—my mom, my friends, etc.—pain for my own selfishness, no matter how much pain my heart was in. I loved my mom and I didn't want to her, and I didn't want to hurt my friends. I loved my friends, they were like a second family to me, helping me, teaching me.

It will get better eventually, the same wise old man had told me.

And I believed him.

Besides, I'm pregnant now. If I killed myself, I killed my child, Paul's child, and I would not dare to kill the little piece of Heaven inside of me, the only thing that connected me to Paul.

Remembering the reason I came here, I glanced down at my stomach that was generally still flat except for where a small bump stood out. Tentatively, I placed my hands on my stomach, and patted it.

A little piece of me, a little piece of Paul…

I giggled at the thought, smiling down at my stomach.

"Are you happy?" I questioned. I directed the question towards Paul, even though I was still staring at my belly. "Are you happy you're gonna have a child? Or mad? Or are you sad?"

A breeze blew at my face again, but this time I thought of it as Paul caressing my cheek. A smile blossomed on my face, my heart slowly lifting. I started to rub my stomach in circles, starting to wonder what the gender of the baby wa.

Was it a girl? Or a boy?

"I hope it's like you," I told him, still smiling. "I want it to be like you. That way I can smile whenever I see little characteristics it inherited from you. But of course, I want it to be like me too. I don't mind whatever gender it's going to be."

Another breeze blew at my face and this time I laughed, again imagining it as Paul's hand caressing my face.

"I really do wish you were here," I said after a while. "I miss you. I miss talking to you about things that were important to me, even if most of time you thought I was just trying to annoy you." I laughed again, my laughter like chimes as it echoed through the cemetery's still air.

"I always loved seeing your reaction to things. I keep on trying to imagine what your reaction would have been if you were still here and I told you about being pregnant. I have a different scenario on how it happens every time.

"Like when I'm in a sad mood, you're usually mad about me being pregnant because you didn't want kids," I frowned at this. "But when I'm happy, in the scenario you are usually glad I'm pregnant and we embrace. Sometimes, when I feel like laughing, I imagine a comical scenario where you faint when learning I'm pregnant!" My frown turned into a smile once more.

"Of course, I only knew about the babies for a few days, so I actually haven't made up too many scenarios." I brushed a lock of blue hair behind my ear, continuing thoughtfully, "You were always sort of unpredictable; that's why it's hard to imagine what your reaction to some stuff would be.

"But, of course, that's no wonder considering how… mysterious you can be at times. You were always so quiet… except for when Ash was around, of course. And you also did so many unexpected things; like when you challenged Cynthia when you were only eleven and when you challenged Pyramid King Brandon. Thankfully, you defeated him like you always wanted to before, well, you know… before Ursaring decided to lose control and go insane…"

I bit my lower lip, the anguish building up inside of me once more. My hands traveled to my stomach once more, and I laid my hands on it, as if to protect it or seek comfort from it. I frowned; the tears were already starting to build up inside my eyes.

I shook my head, and cleared my throat. I forced a smile.

"Well, I've been here long enough I think," I tell him. "I should go now. Talk to you later, okay? Bye. I love you, Paul."

The breeze blows pass my sides and ears, and this time I imagined the wind as a goodbye hug from Paul. Another smile graced my lips, my heart thumping hard in my chest.

It did good to my heart to think positive things rather than negative things.

* * *

**January 28, 2011**

Like always I bring some flowers with me as I visit Paul's grave; this time I bring these small flowers with pale blue petals called forget-me-nots. I set them down by Paul's grave.

"Me again," I tell him, smiling.

"Do you remember what today is?" I ask even though I know nobody will answer the question. "It's the day you proposed to me; It's been a year now since you've proposed to me and a year since you made me the happiest girl on the planet." I laugh lightly at this.

I sit down cross-legged on the usual soft blanket of snow, ready to relive the moment of pure happiness and bring it to life once more in words.

"Like I was saying last time, you always do unexpected things; you proposing, I must say, was one of them. I mean, I never really considered you a romantic person Paul. Mainly because of your harsh, cold attitude towards most people, I guess.

"I remember it was the day after I won the Grand Festival. The very first Grand Festival I ever won," My smile brightens as I recall this. "You took me out to that Seven Stars restaurant as a toast for my victory, and then after that we went to Lake Valor. You proposed to me there."

A bubble of happiness welled up inside of me and the big smile I wore began to stretch from ear to ear. Warmness also swelled up inside of me, the warmness washing all over my body. Despite the chilly weather I feel warm all over, as if I had a blanket over me.

"The moonlight was washing over us and the lake was shining silver," I sigh happily. "It was so romantic. Honestly, the happiest moment in my life was when you proposed; it felt even better than winning the Grand Festival!"

A breeze passes my ear and I blink, checking over my shoulder for some odd reason. I frown when I see nothing but another cemetery and I shake my head, turning back to Paul's grave.

"I wish I could see your face again," I state suddenly. I'm actually quite surprised when I say the words, and again that familiar pang of loneliness hits me.

Right when I feel as if I'm starting to feel happy again, this stupid loneliness just has to hit me.

"I wish things could be the way they are suppose to be," I whisper, staring past the gravestone and at nothing in particular. "With you alive and us living together, happy, doing our usual routines like you training from noon on and me pestering you about what dress I should wear for my next contest."

I laugh weakly at this.

"I remember you use to get so annoyed whenever I would drag you to the Mall and insisted on you telling me which dress or shirt or even bra was prettier or better looking. You especially got really embarrassed when I dragged you to the lingerie section!

"You were so cute when you got annoyed though," I continue. "I think that's why I would do stuff that annoyed you, like kissing you in public and teasing you, because I wanted to see your eyebrow twitch in annoyance or watch as your face darkened. It was just one of those little details about you that I enjoyed.

"I remember this talk we had one time, I think it was a few weeks before your death, and we were talking about the little things we liked about each other. I remember you got annoyed when I told you I liked it when you got annoyed," I giggle as I say this, a smile curving my lips. "Oh wait, I already talked to you about this didn't you? Well, it doesn't hurt to say it again."

Another breeze passes my ear but this time I don't turn around.

* * *

**April 10th, 2011**

Like always, I bought some flowers along with me. This time I bought some camellias, in red, white and pink. Also like always, I set them down my deceased husband's grave, and then I sit cross-legged on the bare ground next to his grave.

This time I don't start off introducing myself. Instead, I get straight to the point.

"I still remember the last words you said to me," I say immediately after sitting down, a determined-yet-at-the-same-time-distant look in my eyes. "The last thing you said to me was, 'don't be stupid'.

"I still remember our last conversation," I continue. "I was feeling down because I just lost a contest against Sinnoh and you just said I would beat her next time. I was kind of angry because you comfort me like my mother or Ash would have. I then asked if you loved me at all, and then you looked back at me because you were about to go train your pokémon. You looked at me for a long time and then you said 'don't be stupid'.

"I remember being sad when you said those words because I thought you meant, don't be stupid, of course I don't. But now… when I think back at it… if you didn't love me, or didn't think you loved me, why would you propose to me? Why would you have bothered marrying me if you didn't love me?"

A smile graces my lips as I say this.

"You were always such a blunt person anyway… Always so sparing with words when around me; always so limited with the emotions you chose to show… Even your proposal was blunt." I laugh at this.

"Thinking of that, it's been a year now since you proposed to me. You're surprised I remembered, eh?" My smile widen and I tuck a loose strand of blue hair behind my ear.

"Your proposal… It was the first time I actually got the idea that you had a romantic bone in your body. You took me to that Seven Star restaurant and we tag battled together against some other trainers. After that we took a walk down to Lake Valor, and the moonlight was shining down on us. It was so romantic. And then, when we got to Lake Valor, you took a black velvet box out of your pocket and got down on one knee. I swear, I thought it was a dream! And then, you said 'marry me'. That was the blunt part about it; it sounded more like a command then a question."

I laughed again, sighing happily at the memory. Tears prick my eyes though, that familiar sadness and longing filling up inside of me.

"Well, I have to go now; I only came here because I needed to get that one thing off my chest… And also because I haven't seen you in a while," I tell him. And then like always I tell him, "I love you, Paul. Bye."

And like always, a breeze caresses me as I leave as if it is Paul, hugging me goodbye…

For a moment I stop walking, and I turn back to Paul's grave where the tombstone stands, surrounded by flowers, both dead and alive.

Like you… I think.

You're dead, buried and rotting in the ground, yet you're alive in my heart and memories…

Dead but alive. Alive but dead. Dead and alive at the same time.

Dead.

Alive.

Dead.

Alive.

Both.

I turn away from the grave and continue walking.

Maybe… Maybe, I think. It would do me good to not come here so often.

Silently, she apologizes to the plum-haired man's ghost and tells him goodbye once more.

I won't come back here until the baby is born, I promised myself.

Somehow… I don't know how… I kept that promise…

* * *

**September 15th, 2011**

"September twelfth," I say upon arrival, dropping the cream-colored tulip onto his grave. "That's when the baby was born."

I kneel down beside his grave, feeling exhausted but determined. I just got out of the hospital today after giving birth. The birth had been complicated, and I had almost needed a cesarean. But I've had to stay in the hospital for three days after the long, difficult delivery.

"It's a boy."

I pause, as if I actually expect a reply. Obviously, I don't receive a reply.

"He has blue fuzz on his head; he has my hair color—" I pause as I remember the baby's eyes, and I am almost choked with grief. "—but he has your eyes…"

Beautiful onyx-colored eyes which were filled with love and laughter rather than coldness… But still, they reminded me so much of yours, especially the times whenyou actually seemed happy. When you were happy, or seemed satisfied at least, there was a gleam in your eyes. A gleam that made me smile.

"He's gonna be like you…" I tell him. "Or I hope so at least. He's such a beautiful child… He's your child. You would love him, I know. If you were here today to help me raise him, you would raise him into a strong, admirable trainer like yourself."

Another pause.

"I don't think I could do that… I could mother him: provide him food, teach him right from wrong, care for him and love him, but I wouldn't be able to do the father stuff you could do like train him to follow in your footsteps…"

A breeze blows at my bang.

"I said I would only stay here long enough to tell you when the baby was born, its gender and what it looks like…" I murmur sadly. "But I always get… sidetracked when I'm here… with you."

I close my eyes briefly, imagining Paul's beautiful face, and then reopen them.

"Goodbye Paul," I whispered. "I have to get home to the baby now."

I stand up and am about to leave when I realize I forgot one thing.

"Our baby's name is Paul."

Silence…

"I named him after you."

And then I left.

And I did't come back for a long time…

I almost didn't come back at all.

* * *

**September 12th, 2016**

Almost five years have passed since I last visited Paul's grave, since I last "talked" to him. That's because I was too busy taking care of Paul Jr. to go back to his grave, and after a year passed, I couldn't find the courage it after so long. But then again, in a way, I didn't want to go back because I knew it would be better for me…

I was only there for a minute, to drop off a letter I wrote to him and to say my final farewells to him.

In the letter I left him, I wrote:

__

"Dear Paul,

It have been so long since I last saw you or visited you. I'm sorry if you missed me(although I can't help but doubt that you did), but it's better this way. Surely you understand that. If you did love me, you would want me to move on with my life, just as long as I still remember you every now and then. Well, I've got the second half done, but moving on… I'm only half way there.

I love you Paul, and I always will. I'm still not sure if you truly loved me, but it doesn't exactly matter now. I've tried dating some nice boys around here in town, but none of them are like you. After a while, I just gave up on dating altogether. I know it have been over five years since you've… passed away, but I think my heart still needs some time to heal.

In case you're wondering, Paul (your son) is doing well. He's a sweet and energetic kid; a lot like me. But he looks more like you than me, especially with those (haunting) black eyes of his. Like you, he wants to be a pokémon trainer. I tell story about you to him, and the stories always make him smile, always make him happy. He doesn't know you, but he looks up to you. You're his idol, Paul, even though you're not here. He wants to be a strong and admirable trainer, he wants to be someone you would be proud of. I hope you love him as much as he loves you.

Well, this is goodbye Paul. I'm sorry Paul this has to be so short, but this is the last time I'll be coming here. It's not healthy for me to visit you everyday Paul. It's bad enough you already haunt my dreams whenever you the chance…

Until we meet again in Heaven,

Your Wife, Dawn Berlitz

xoxo"

_Goodbye Paul. __Never forget I love you._

_And in return, I promise I won't ever forget you, because like ashes in the snow, I'll keep you like a stain in my memories._

* * *

_Yeah, this was lame, but oh well. I wrote this like story like four months ago, back in June when it was still summer out, and I corrected this maybe one or two months ago, and I just now decided to post this story. xD; A bit cheesy and maybe even cliche (especially with me giving Dawn a baby xD;), but I like it...kind of._

And if you don't really get the idea of the story, it's basically just one of those stories where the girl's husband dies and she's upset over his death, and she has to find a way to move on, which in the end, she does. But even though she found a way to move on from Paul, she will continue to remember him and everything.

Also sorry if there's any tense mistakes. I started writing this in first person in present tense, but then I started to write in past tense...so yeah. I think I fixed most of the tense mistakes, but if you notice a part where it's not in past tense, just let me know (or any other mistake, tense or not) lemme know, 'kay? ;)

Also, I got inspired to read this fic after reading this article: http:/ .com /relationships/articlematch. aspx? cp-documentid =227074521 =32023 (just take away the spaces)

NOW REVIEW! (please? xD)


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